1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
honey bunches of taint.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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