You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
