dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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