She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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