Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
im on a boat
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