so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
