Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
