We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
