remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Randomize
