Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
