is your mom at the bar?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
