What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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