I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
