I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
