the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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