How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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