Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
