Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
