I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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