My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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