I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
