She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
