there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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