singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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