I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
