what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
