So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
