Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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