I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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