News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize