The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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