her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
