i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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