Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
