I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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