those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
