then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
