If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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