i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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