Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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