We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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