I'm so fucking centered right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize