I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
