Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
