my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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