Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
