she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
