Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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