So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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