So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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