sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
