Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
