I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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