did you get engaged???
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
