I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
