I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
