just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
