1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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