if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
