I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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