I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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