Already got asked if we're dating
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
