He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We left the knife in your bed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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