dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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