I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who died my cat blue again?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
