One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
